Hello, can you hear me?,
I hear you say you do

Gotta be somebody out there.
But for now, I'll concentrate on loving you

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Monday, May 17, 2010 @ 1:46 PM
has left the premise.

We'll keep in contact like this.

You can see my replies here:



Saturday, May 15, 2010 @ 3:17 PM
Happy 7th anniversary

Well guys.

It's the 5th year for me as a blogger on blogger.com

5 memorable years that flew past so fast.

To put it literally, it has been 7 long years since I started the habit of blogging.

Secondary 3. Thanks to a friend I made on Mirc, whom I later got to add on MSN and she posted her blog link via her nick name.

I clicked on it and found it a rather neat idea instead of always penning my thoughts down on paper which my mother was susceptible to find it and do it online instead, where my not so tech savvy mother would not find it and it would be much more convenient for me as well.

I started out with the now defunct blog-city.

Infinitus.blog-city.com I remember.

With the stupid standard templates and such.

Whole word chunky posts, with twit writing LyKe ThIs and no pictures.

Slowly, my blogging evolved, into paragraphing, and hot-linking pictures from livejournal.

I slowly delved into a more narrative style , and discovered photo bucket and learned HTML all from scratch. Til today I still use html codings for my posts.

And made a rather big decision to move over to blogger, where I would be able to customise my blog's template and such.

Blog-city deleted my blog after not updating it, and it was rather disappointing, there were much memories in there.

Started out with infinito-.blogspot.com

First ever blogspot post here.

I had changed the title over time and found that I could not change it back to infinito- due to blogger disallowing the hyphen.

Thus after much thought, and since I met Joel, I changed it to doteonme.blogspot.com all because I wanted him to dote on me more.

My stupid whiny confession post over here.

Reading it over, I wanted to slap myself for being so retarded and whiny. Maybe it was because of the lack of sleep that day,

However, it did rake in a whole lot of memories. From Joel's reactions and a lot of things which unfolded after.

Looking at that post and comparing the present with then, I am glad to say , not much has changed, but it is inevitable, people left me along the way.

Ever since that year, when Joel and I got together, I've neglected "celebrating" my blogging anniversary.

The rest of the posts which were near that date were:

4th year's
5th year blogging.
6th year

I guess this year, it suddenly popped into my head.

So let me summarise what has been going on with my life in a nutshell into the 7th year of blogging.

- I attempted and adopted different writing techniques
- I do know and am aware that I have multiple grammatical/spelling errors but I am just so lazy I can't be bothered.

- I've grown to be more pessimistic on the outlook of Singaporean men in general

- The person who I've centered my life around to has walked.

- I faced multiple set backs.

- I got my first job after my graduation and soon I have to leave it too due to my studying.

- Really traveled a lot since I got a job.

- Experienced many new things locally as well as overseas.

- I entered Uni, into a course which I actually can excel in because of my interest in it.

- My friendship with certain people have waned, and after some events, my bond with certain friends have strengthened.

So, everyone, in a post where I should say,

" Happy 7 years, here's to several years ahead!"

I am sorry to say, no, I can't.

I am going to start afresh.

I know it is a great pity etc etc, that this site has great ranking, great viewership levels and great networking across the internet scape but I'm sorry, it is also due to you guys that my site has reached such awesome viewer count and often, gave me great perks such as movie tickets or party invites.

If Doteonme, can garner such readership levels within 4 years, I'm sure in time to come, maybe my new blogging space may be as successful but I highly doubt so now as I really want a private space to work in.

I have plenty of stupid thoughts and ideas I want to pen down but held back as sometimes, I think I will regret posting it after reading, such as above said links.

Thus, a new private space for myself would be a great way to kick start my no holds barred writing again.

Once again,

Thank you.

I love you guys for all the support you've given me especially at times when you sense something in the manner I write, I find that a really awesome feat that you have been reading my typing for so long that sometimes, you just know what's off kilter and would be concerned over me.

Thank you.

For all the wonderful memories you have helped to keep doteonme going strong.

Thank you.

For the pride I have when I blog due to your constant encouragement.


ZR 拜谢。

@ 3:08 PM
at a loss for words
I spent a good few minutes with my hands hovering above the keyboard trying to think of an apt title for this.

So I just settled with what was really happening, that I am at a loss for words to truly culminate everything that has been running through my head.

Its over.

The entire debacle between Joel and I is over.
Found out he had a lot of issues with me that he kept mum about or I just didn't clue in and that he knew he didn't have feelings for me since the period I went Japan coz he threw everything away. That had me finding out his little lie again.

It was kind of bad just now. There was pulling, tugging, yelling and a whole lot of crying.
At the end of the day, it ended at my void deck with him cutting up all the stuff we made together and crud like a porcupine soft toy he won for me.

I was crying like a nutty over that one because I found it damn cute and it was the first ever prize toy someone won for me.

He sliced through a hell lot of our photos and at the end of the day, he threw out a whole lot stuff just to show me that yes, it was over.

It was kind of scary, to actually look at someone whom you thought you knew so well, and find him so unrecognizable.

The words that came out of Joel Kua Zi Xiang's mouth cannot be told from a lie or a truth.
(I realised that when I call people by their full names, my eyes narrow into slits. Hmmm)
I guess that was the part that did it when I realised it.

We parted ways after a hug and he set off north bound as I trudged up to post this.

He was saying that he meant EVERYTHING he said then, just that NOW, everything has changed, thus different circumstances.

To me, I always knew that we shouldn't say stuff we don't intend or am absolutely sure we cannot keep, thus to me, his reasoning was deplorable.

But that's just me. And that's just him being him.

I know a whole lot of you are like getting sick of hearing this drama about us but hell. My blog, my world.

Most of you think I'm dumb and incorrigible for placing faith in that dude, especially after all the crap he'd put me through with his constants omissions, lies, indecisiveness and all but I'm sorry.

Your friend is a hopeless romantic, deal with it.

I'm 90% emotions, 10% logic. Even though I know it won't work , if I feel like it, I'll do it

And that is me. As irresponsible and inane as it may seem, it is me.

And I love me for this particular factor that I am still able to love even though I grew up in a surrounding much devoid of it.

I chose to believe that even though the scene set out before me propagates it as so, that true love is something that is not fiction.

I learned from an early age to cherish, as death is unpredictable.

I made up my mind at a very young age, that even though in life I would want to do well in my career, my priorities would always be my loved ones.

And that will always be the case to me and I hope I never go astray.

I need to leave this blog now people.

Much love.

@ 3:00 PM
I started out

with two posts one day. Two labels for the same subject however I found that writing for one side of it was particularly hard, thus I decided I'd just have to mash the two up together for the finale whereas for this penultimate post you'd have to make do with other ramblings of mine.

Well, currently I have started out on building up a few blogs for my own usages, I plan on carrying out a few projects altogether and am rather looking forward to not having to work but am rather dulled by the fact I won't have much spending money for my miscellaneous items.

I do still have a few items on my wish list ;3

I am trying v hard to raise cash to try and pay up for something as borrowing the money is not really on the agenda, however I do know my limits and if I can't handle it, I would have to borrow.

Many people have asked me on the suddenness of the prospect of being jobless, well, it definitely wasn't planned I'll give you that.

Even ran around while in Japan looking for this e-mook:

A Rebecca Taylor ( Same brand as my wallet!) carry pouch.

Was thinking I could place all my work materials ( measuring tape, mini LED light, wet wipes, hp, money etc) in it and throw it into my big bag so whenever I make my rounds I can just leave the huge bag in the office and walk around with this small thing.

Alas, once back in SG, my Mr Bean boss told me that it was not to be. So as they said, that is how the cookie crumbles.

I think I am getting into a mighty big heap of trouble in work though, am seriously in the "ORD" mood already ever since they told me I would have to resign.

Bean boss told me to stay a while more to give the next candidate the chance to apply for his "notice" of a month, thus I will be throwing letter in the middle of the month I guess.

Oh, as you all know I've also volunteered myself into the big sporting event in August.
Kind of excited, it has a bit of the NDP feeling in it. You know? The kind of like " What a stupid event, nobody cares about it yada yada" feeling but only us involved people would know how epic it was because it really wasn't about who cared about it, it was more about how much fun WE had in it. Hahaha.

Joel was going all, " It's stupid" at me and was incredulous when I told him I volunteered saying it was a waste of my time.

I think he truly mixed up the meaning of "waste". Oh the irony!

I've been posting my Jap trip pictures up in random places.

Look at how popular meh meh is!

9 strangers like him!

Other pictures I posted up garnered lukewarm responses, the most popular one with 33 hits was this though:

I have got no idea why o.O

Things have been looking up in school, I have spent more time with certain classmates.
I was really very touched by the gestures of the male classmates.
Every time they look at me, they'd always offer to take my bag as they don't feel comfortable seeing me carry such a huge bag. Seriously, gentlemen like them are hard to find these days.

Good news for one of my uni mates. I've went out with him a few times, we had really great amicable chats, and there was one point of time we bumped into a particular girl he was raving about.

"Her personality is very damn nice." He said.

"Oh? Then why don't you chase after her?" I countered.

" Well, I am sorry to say that I know it may sound superficial but I have the notion that I'm young and I would want the best for myself?" He said unconvincingly.

"Fiddlesticks. She looks fine." I sneered.

And he just shrugged sheepishly, but in my heart I was like , " T_T NOOOOOO NOT ANOTHER GOOD GUY TURN BAD SUPERFICIAL IDIOT!"

Guess who recently snagged himself a gf then? And the very same girl I was mentioning above! And yeap, he was damn embarrassed about it and I feel very happy for him and really do hope he'll be loads happy in future to come.



I really dislike musicals.
I'd always fast forward all the singing parts in disney shows.
The only Disney song I actually have an inkling of remembrance would be Beauty and the Beast's theme song. I did like that cartoon, stupid clock and candle holder.

My cousin highly recommended me to watch Glee sometime back.

I straight out refused due to the musical numbers they did.
However, one night, out of desperation to just watch some show to take my mind off things, I just clicked on Glee.

And I've been hooked ever since. The story line goes real fast, and all but I am enchanted upon such an idea of a "show choir".

I was once drafted into choir in primary school, I sincerely disliked it, especially the songs.
I blame my big rib cage on choir practice! HMPH. Hahahahaha!

Glee is about a "show choir" club made up of at least 12 members and the songs performed in the series are truly, my type of music.

Defying Gravity

Truly one of my favourites ever since I heard it featured on Ugly Betty.

The song is a number of the broadway musical "Wicked".

For those who don't really have an inkling, "Wicked" is the "Prequel" to the Wizard of Oz. It shows the growing up stages of Elphaba ( The wicked witch) and the good witch etc etc. WIKIPEDIA IT.

One of the first featured songs.


Journey - Don't stop believing.

Ah, my discovery of Journey all happened thanks to Supernatural. It started off with the song " wheel in the sky" and I got the whole album and this was one of the few songs I didn't delete.
Loved the ending when all the boys sang "do you know what it feels like to be a girl". ;)

Watching Glee really made me reminisce the days I'd just spend hours lying on the bed just listening to the radio.

Today, for the first time in a rather long time I actually fell asleep in school.
I found out yesterday that the essay and presentation I did was wrong and had to work throughout the night changing everything. I didn't sleep a wink.

During the long break, I couldn't take it and just fell asleep on the table in the student hub, only to wake up to find my classmates surrounding me doing stuff and watching videos.

I must say, even though it is very weird, I bloody miss this scene.

I really missed waking up from a cat nap to being surrounded by friends.
In NP, Ronald would be beside me playing dota, and Weeky on the other side playing some game too while the rest slacked around the area of effect around me and if the lecturer was coming to check on us, they'd nudge me up.

It just feels nice to open my eyes and the first thing I is someone smiling at me I guess, from time to time.

I've recently been writing ideas all over on bits and pieces of paper whenever thoughts come about and now, I don't dare to throw anything away as I can't confirm where everything is -.-|||



I'm going to help a classmate of mine dye his hair this coming wednesday. Been a long time since I helped someone dye their hair. Hope it goes well!



Friday, May 14, 2010 @ 3:39 PM
If there is one thing I hate most in life would be me being kept uncertain of things

I often want to get to the root of the problem asap, I never want to leave a problem unsolved before sleeping and my mood really fluctuates when I am left to paranoia.

Anyhow, random topic of the day.

Sometimes, I do think that being female is tough.

Let's just talk about the physical aspects.

We have a lot of pampering items etc in life yes, however the changes our bodies have to endure monthly is no small feat to some.

I have friends who roll over in pain every month and cannot do anything about it.

My symptoms, ever since I started working, were a hassle.

Some have pimples, some have appetite increasing and a lot of other symptom.

There was once, I did not eat the entire day and just had one red bean bun.
By standards of any other normal day I had then, it was definitely alright, I was used to it.

However, the "aunt" decided to visit that day.

The pain was so excruciating, the cold sweat was forming on my forehead and I almost passed out in a toilet cubicle. My eyeballs just kept rolling upwards and I knew that it I didn't get out of the cubicle, I was going to be found lying there.

My situation escalated ever since I got hospitalized and when the gastric started.

Pains were more frequent and inevitable, sometimes even had to take medication, I never used to take any at all man.

The worse however, would be the fatigue. Damn.

I find that I can sleep for more than 15hrs straight on the day before it arrives.
Just because I am that tired.

The week thereafter, sheer tiredness.

I find myself adopting other habits like further consumption of coffee or sugar to help with keeping awake, to little avail.

Thus, sometimes, when the guys at work or around me like to poke fun at women having PMS or just plain insult, I do fervently wish one day somehow they magically morph into a girl version of themselves.
Thursday, May 13, 2010 @ 5:22 PM

I’ve recently seen quite a number of people reblog this.

I mulled over the fact whether I would have the same sentiments as the text however I find myself in deep doubt over it.

If I were to see someone that I wished so hard for, I sincerely wouldn’t be happy just seeing him or her for a second.

In fact, it’d make me cry even more knowing that we were literally so close yet so far.

@ 5:20 PM

I have a confession to make.

After the break up I lost control of many things.

I tried really really hard to pull everything up together, to be responsible and take care of other people’s hearts before mine by ensuring them that I’m alright ( but I’m not…) and I neglect the building up of the tumultuous feelings inside.

How I wish I can eat away the feeling that has been gnawing hungrily inside of me.

I went shopping today, been a long time since I’ve done so.

It didn’t help that everyone was disgusted at me and screaming at me to lose weight.

It didn’t help that everybody thought I was just using it as an excuse.

No, it didn’t help at all.

And when I was in that topshop changing room trying on baggy dress after dress.

I couldn’t help but feel immensely sad at the rashes, the scratches and the weight gain I’ve inflicted on myself.

But that gnawing feeling inside of me just didn't go away.

And I don’t know how to get rid of it.

@ 9:43 AM

@ 9:29 AM


I came home to realise what the fucks is sticking up from my table?
As though a layer got peeled up like that, then I noticed, its the freaking LAMINATE!


And then I noticed the pool of water on the table!

The brother filled up my water canister but didn't put it in a proper position and the water leaked all over the table.

And since the table is made from compressed chip board, once water gets in only, it'll start to expand thus bursting through the laminate.


@ 4:41 AM
Let me tell you a story
There's this couple who were together for 6 years.
One day, the guys started to treat the girlfriend differently.
Slowly, the girl broke it off with him when she realised that the guy was hankering over a new girl he met.

That guy just started to blame the girl and said it was her fault etc etc, and didn't even admit to liking a new girl and stuff like that.

6 years, poof, just like that.
The disgusting part was that the girl the guy was hankering after knew about this guy and all the shit he did, yet she still got together with him.

I pity the girl, but I will not be sympathetic.
You may be really happy now, but time is going to show how conniving lies can be and maybe, just maybe if you're lucky, you'll be able to catch a glimpse of the truth behind his lies and escape.

If you get married, good for you girl, just wait a little while more and forever be in doubt that one day, maybe after 6 or 10 years, he's going to come home to you but be thinking about the new girl he met somewhere.

I don't care what men say when they get into trouble or deep shit to cover their asses.

Most of the things I always hear are:


The WORST kind of men are the ones who are the assholes, YET they are in denial and automatically zoom in to try and pick at your flaws by saying stuff like,
I've had the unfortunate luck of actually dating a guy that happened to fall under the "in denial" category.
We were supposed to remain friends, but I guess he didn't want to because the mere sight or mention of me would just remind him of what a shitty person he is, inside and out.

So to cope with that guilt or to make himself feel better, the mechanics of getting new friends or stuff is in line.
It happens to all of us.

You know the feeling?

When you get tired of old friend because they used to know you and all your shit but the new friends you made don't rag you on your shit you did and stuff?

So, is that supposed to make you into a better person?

That article, 'You are who your friends are', does ring true to a certain extent.
I have witnessed idiots who are like lambs. Using the guise of "just because their friends are doing it, why can't they? " and proceed to fuck themselves up.

HOWEVER, I too have witness people of strong moral character.
Who refuse to bow down to stupidity.
Who knows what the hell is RIGHT or WRONG, and knows how to look deep beneath the facade and know how to handle situations.
These people are rare and few.

Yet, people just don't seem to want to be those kind of people, the good kind.
Ah C'est la vie.

I would seriously like to know one day, what was going through the minds of all these people. The ones that don’t give a damn about people they hurt and are always in self denial.
Sure people deserve to be happy, how sure are you about that for yourself?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010 @ 12:55 PM
everytime you walk away or run away
You take a piece of with you there.

I used to do this all the time when I was younger.
Crawl under the bed and stay there until my aunt had to pull me out by my leg.

Now who will come pull me out from under the bed anymore?

God, this feeling sucks.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010 @ 9:23 AM
Cropping up.
I made up my mind, and set on my plan, but something came up along the way again.

@ 6:11 AM
The other day
I wrote two separate posts.

One highlighting the bad points and the other highlighting the positive points of a person.

You know those sayings about like, " Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." and yada yada.

Well. I'm sorry I don't agree.

I used to think it was true, and maybe one day, under circumstances, it will come true but for now I don't really think it is true.

Take H, the ex bf for instance.

One day when I was going wonkers, me finding a small gift from him calmed me down and made me smile.

Coz it makes me think of the nice things of him, however that doesn't really stop me from remembering the catastrophic ending it had as well.

What I am trying to say is, is it really possible that something that ended so bad, can be something good next time?

I do know that good things can turn bad, if it ended bad that is for sure.

Recently, I've come to realised that living in Singapore ain't exactly a bad thing.

You just need a lot of imagination.

Imagination is something that I used to relish, however I found myself forcibly quelling it as I grew older.

When I was younger, if I do spot a mentally disturbed person, I'd immediately look away or try to avoid him/her.

You could say I was afraid, but I wasn't afraid of them, more of like I was afraid of becoming them.

I had a wild imagination back then, it will be a whole can of worms if I open them now.

I could just spend hours staring at the ceiling away and my form teacher in Pri 2 was visibly very angry at the fact I can just space out in her class and even wrote it in my report book.

Sometimes, while imagining things, my face would contort itself unknowingly either smiling and mouthing words.

That's when I started reigning the imagination in.

I forced myself to not think so much about it, forced myself to stick my head in the now, and told myself what was the bloody use thinking of so many things that may never happen in my lifetime?!

I could have written several stories based on the thoughts I had, however, the fear of my thoughts over riding was there.

And it just stopped.

I won't say it stopped completely, but the stuff I imagine these days would be, more toned down.

Like the other day at the bus interchange, my mp3 player suddenly played Steve Aoki's - Warp, just nice some bus driver was walking across the bus lot.

Guess what scene was playing in my head.

Hahaha, I was aware however my mouth was twining away into a smile.
@ 4:40 AM
This weekend
was a crazy one.
Plenty of things happened.
I don't recognise me anymore sometimes.
Yet seeing people in a similar plight as me somehow gave me courage.

And I have somewhat, decided on a rather rash decision. I know it is not a solution, as it is only temporary but I think, for the sake of myself, I need to, I want to.

And if possible, make it a long permanent one instead of a temporary one if all goes well.

Sometimes, people don't know how much their presence affects people.
I learned this a few weeks back before I went Japan.

It could be for work, it could be a simple decision to just stay back, it could be a simple decision to take another form of transportation home that day and somehow, affect someone's life altering decision greatly.

The day my colleague decided to stay back in the office.

The day Daryl called before I uncorked the bottle.

Plain, mundane things, that people will never know have a great impact on me, but on that day at that time, it did.

Last night the last song played was this one.

And I was silently cursing the band for playing it as I was literally struggling not to tear up to ruin a good night.

The lyrics just sounded so.... argh.

Love of my life, you hurt me,
You've broken my heart, and now you leave me.

Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.

Love of my life don't leave me,
You've stolen my love now desert me,

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/q/queen/#share

It is rather hard, to admit, that the person who you have come to love, and would take a bullet for, or regard as your family, at the end of the day just 180 deg flip and does not regard you in the same way.

Maybe this is why I am having difficulty.

It is like you're a soldier who fought for your country long and hard, lost a limb and only to find out your nation has betrayed you and will not come back for you after its retreat.

Oh well.

I am about to embark on another series of adventure that may or may not end well.
Who is to know, I only know I live for it. I don't want to go past these few months picking up pieces by myself, its really hard for me, I've tried.

Some of you may fuck me upside down for doing it but I really hope not. I really treasure your opinions and your thoughts, I do know you only say the hurtful things for my own good but I do hope, just this one, give me a green light and wait it out for me to try it.

Just like how I stood by you all these years.

I know as a friend, we a have a natural instinct to stop friends from hurting themselves or do something stupid to themselves. We try our best to make them feel good about themselves, and try to protect them if we must.

Maybe to you, this is not your definition of a friend, but sometimes, you don't know maybe you yourself will fall under these definitions as my friend.

These are our prerogatives. In actual truth, you really may not know what is going on in the friend's thoughts and wishes.

I fought really hard, no one knows except me because I am the only one that sees myself in the mirror when anything happens, nobody else is around. I just need someone to be around.

And I realised after the other day, it doesn't matter if I alone keep fighting for it.

He has to fight too.

When I was really really at my wits end and emotionally drained when I was defending him all the way, he wasn't around, he wasn't helping, he wasn't supporting me.

And now, all the damage he's done , he thinks it will go away by ending it all once and for all.

He stated that it has been dragging for almost a year now, that was the exact same thing Ah woo said and I was so touched. Ah Woo remembered.

Now here's the thing he forgot.

Things got back together by the year end last year.
We resolved issues, compromised and set things out.

He was the one to forget out agreements.
He now cites that I dredge up past events to compare but I think otherwise.

I just find that the way he speaks to me recently is of a very impatient manner and he is constantly shouting at me, even though he does not realise it himself.

If he does not want an " us" it does not matter how hard I fight, I can face down the whole world and burn the skies for all you care, but it just doesn't matter anymore.

Its not something as simple as reciprocity, where I would expect him to do whatever I am willing to do for him, it is more about the basic need of needing me is not there.

And how drastic things can change and how selfish his thoughts can be, he keeps on thinking this is all for ME, but its not.

In some sick twisted way he thinks it will do me good.

But it did not.

I have thought long and hard about it.
I will give it one more try, call me foolish, dumb twice over, but this was what I believed in.

I used to think that love was something of mere happenstance, but over the years, the enticing glitter and glossy exterior peeled off to show a more hardy covering that was crafted out of practice and a lot of work.

Work needs to be done to keep the love going , and it can't just come from one side, it's from both sides, it only takes one side to stop caring, to be lazy, to lose the passion to fight, to see the entire thing go crumbling to dust.
Monday, May 10, 2010 @ 2:53 PM
Meh meh adventures


Terribly sorry for the lack of the Japan trip photos!
Mistress has trouble uploading them into FB!
Please wait a while more k!
@ 2:50 PM
Why hello there.

I instantly plucked this fella off a shelf when I first saw it.

It reminded myself of me, can you guess why?

Decided to just take a photo of it because of the price tag. Oh well.
@ 1:44 PM


-nice porridge [ The one near my house changed in taste D: So disappointed.]
-mapo tofu :( The best was still at Hangzhou. Now I can't find anything similar

- Sashimi


-Suki yaki


-Teppanyaki vegetables

[ I know, so weird, I just came back from Japan but over there I was really eating to live most of the time coz shashimi and such were really very expensive.]

- steamed egg & Swee lee hainan chicken rice

I haven't been able to eat good food recently ;\ fast food, instant noodles, subway and the likes.
Sunday, May 09, 2010 @ 5:23 PM
I did.

I wake up everyday and tell myself to get over you, really I need and want to be happy, you are not worth it.

But at the end of the day I can’t help but dial your number just to hear your voice. And then I’d start tearing up.

I know you’re the asshole, I know you’re the motherfucker who abandoned me when I stood by you for so long taking in your shit just because I told myself that this was love, it was not all to be rosy and apple cheeked, but to work out the knots.

Every time you promised something or said “I love you more” to me, I find myself doubtful but again, only time will tell.

I hate myself for doing this to myself and I hate myself in the worst possible way for wanting someone that doesn’t want me, for making myself out to be so pathetic.

Yet I can’t explain the invisible threads that pull me to do so. I can’t explain my actions, my thoughts and random mood swings sometimes.

I used to think that I knew myself,that I loved myself too much but I guess I was wrong.

Fucked up things can happen.

@ 4:48 PM

5:57 onwards

Mayama: Hey Yamada, why did you fall in love with me?

You're precious to me.
So I've been thinking that I needed to turn you down properly if you ever told me you
like me. But, I thought you'd go away somewhere else if I turn you down.

When I look at you it hurt me because it was like looking at myself.

The back ground music used to be a constant in my MP3 player, but I opted for more cheery tunes.

Looks like I will be rooting around for it.

Ahh... Honey & Clover. I have missed you much.