Tuesday, May 11, 2010 @ 4:40 AM
This weekend
was a crazy one.Plenty of things happened.
I don't recognise me anymore sometimes.
Yet seeing people in a similar plight as me somehow gave me courage.
And I have somewhat, decided on a rather rash decision. I know it is not a solution, as it is only temporary but I think, for the sake of myself, I need to, I want to.
And if possible, make it a long permanent one instead of a temporary one if all goes well.
Sometimes, people don't know how much their presence affects people.
I learned this a few weeks back before I went Japan.
It could be for work, it could be a simple decision to just stay back, it could be a simple decision to take another form of transportation home that day and somehow, affect someone's life altering decision greatly.
The day my colleague decided to stay back in the office.
The day Daryl called before I uncorked the bottle.
Plain, mundane things, that people will never know have a great impact on me, but on that day at that time, it did.
Last night the last song played was this one.
And I was silently cursing the band for playing it as I was literally struggling not to tear up to ruin a good night.
The lyrics just sounded so.... argh.
Love of my life, you hurt me,
You've broken my heart, and now you leave me.
Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.
Love of my life don't leave me,
You've stolen my love now desert me,
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/q/queen/#share
It is rather hard, to admit, that the person who you have come to love, and would take a bullet for, or regard as your family, at the end of the day just 180 deg flip and does not regard you in the same way.
Maybe this is why I am having difficulty.
It is like you're a soldier who fought for your country long and hard, lost a limb and only to find out your nation has betrayed you and will not come back for you after its retreat.
Oh well.
I am about to embark on another series of adventure that may or may not end well.
Who is to know, I only know I live for it. I don't want to go past these few months picking up pieces by myself, its really hard for me, I've tried.
Some of you may fuck me upside down for doing it but I really hope not. I really treasure your opinions and your thoughts, I do know you only say the hurtful things for my own good but I do hope, just this one, give me a green light and wait it out for me to try it.
Just like how I stood by you all these years.
I know as a friend, we a have a natural instinct to stop friends from hurting themselves or do something stupid to themselves. We try our best to make them feel good about themselves, and try to protect them if we must.
Maybe to you, this is not your definition of a friend, but sometimes, you don't know maybe you yourself will fall under these definitions as my friend.
These are our prerogatives. In actual truth, you really may not know what is going on in the friend's thoughts and wishes.
I fought really hard, no one knows except me because I am the only one that sees myself in the mirror when anything happens, nobody else is around. I just need someone to be around.
And I realised after the other day, it doesn't matter if I alone keep fighting for it.
He has to fight too.
When I was really really at my wits end and emotionally drained when I was defending him all the way, he wasn't around, he wasn't helping, he wasn't supporting me.
And now, all the damage he's done , he thinks it will go away by ending it all once and for all.
He stated that it has been dragging for almost a year now, that was the exact same thing Ah woo said and I was so touched. Ah Woo remembered.
Now here's the thing he forgot.
Things got back together by the year end last year.
We resolved issues, compromised and set things out.
He was the one to forget out agreements.
He now cites that I dredge up past events to compare but I think otherwise.
I just find that the way he speaks to me recently is of a very impatient manner and he is constantly shouting at me, even though he does not realise it himself.
If he does not want an " us" it does not matter how hard I fight, I can face down the whole world and burn the skies for all you care, but it just doesn't matter anymore.
Its not something as simple as reciprocity, where I would expect him to do whatever I am willing to do for him, it is more about the basic need of needing me is not there.
And how drastic things can change and how selfish his thoughts can be, he keeps on thinking this is all for ME, but its not.
In some sick twisted way he thinks it will do me good.
But it did not.
I have thought long and hard about it.
I will give it one more try, call me foolish, dumb twice over, but this was what I believed in.
I used to think that love was something of mere happenstance, but over the years, the enticing glitter and glossy exterior peeled off to show a more hardy covering that was crafted out of practice and a lot of work.
Work needs to be done to keep the love going , and it can't just come from one side, it's from both sides, it only takes one side to stop caring, to be lazy, to lose the passion to fight, to see the entire thing go crumbling to dust.
